Oh blog…
How I’ve missed you so. I’ve been caught up in my own struggles of life and haven’t even checked this to make myself giggle. (Let alone to vent) It’s not like I haven’t had anything to talk about… I just… haven’t found the time I suppose. Work is going splendid for the most part. Hell, nothing is perfect though. My co-worker… is… for lack of a better term, a “dumb blonde”. Let’s just say the stereotype is living itself up in this particular girl. Not to mention she just graduated a week ago… from high school. I busted my ass for t his job and I’m almost 22. Shes 18 and gets it handed to her? What kind of bullshit is that!?!? But… besides all of that nonsense, The girl really has no common sense. She constantly asks me questions that I have already answered for her multiple times THAT DAY. Not to mention, she calls me 8-15 times a day when I’m not working. Things like, how do I white balance? Okay… white balancing is one, the easiest thing in the world to do in a studio, and two, the first thing I taught her. Its self explanatory. There is even convenient blue tape telling you where to place the lighting and camera to get a perfect white balance!!! Then, she looses orders. That part is probably the most agitating. I have customers come in, SCREAMING at ME because their pictures aren’t in and were never ordered.
Anyways… I could go on about her for days. Other than her? I adore my actual job. Taking pictures for a living is something I only dreamed of doing at one point. And now, I get to do just that. You’d think living on my own, with my dream job, and the best friends you could ask for would make me happy right? Well… it does… to a point. I guess, none of this means much to me without someone to share it with. It’s not like I’m not trying or anything. Oh, I’m putting myself out there… I just can’t seem to find anyone up to my standards. I guess, I have high ones… or so I’m told. When is enough, enough? When do I lower my standards in trade for someone to share my life with? Personally, unless I feel 100% going into another relationship, I don’t even want to attempt it. Why bother? Someone, maybe me or the male counterpart, will end up sad and broken. One date measures it for me. If we don’t at lease clique, I’m gonna move on. And also on that note… What happened to a guy taking a girl on a date. A date is not, come over to my house and watch movies and then we will bang. A date doesn’t even have to be dinner and a movie. I’m the girl who would kill to be taken out to a park at midnight just to talk, and get to know one another. But, its 2012 and apparently, chivalry is dead. Or at least guys who are attracted to me think it is. Side-note: Just because I have tattoo’s does not mean I’m going to A) send you nudes and/or B) Sleep with you right away. That stereotype kills me.
-Breath-
I’m back on my meds again… which helps with the crazy anxiety I’ve been struggling with since I stopped the drug usage. I’m proud to say I’m 3 months clean. Big step for me. I feel more clear headed than I ever have. Which is kind of a curse. I love being able to make responsible decisions and have the confidence I do about quitting. But, the numbness to reality is now gone and facing the problems I’ve been burying is taking a toll on me. Well, it was. I started my xanex regiment again a few days ago and I’m already noticing a difference. I started drawing again, I don’t worry so much about… well… anything and everything… and most of all… I started writing again. It feels good. Like, maybe, I can finally get my life back. Starting with this damn depression weight I’ve gained. It gets to me more than I let anyone know. I know I’m overweight. I know it needs to change, and I finally have the motivation to do it. No one, besides maybe other people with LEGITIMATE anxiety disorders, understands what a panic attack every day does to you. It takes over your life. Worrying constantly about things out of your control makes you tired as all hell, but you cant sleep because you’re up worrying. Nothing helps. No matter who is there comforting you, it doesn’t help. The medication calms you, or rather evens you out.
Anyway…
It’s about time to get Derek and I some drink. Seeing as how I guess it is Friday night. I feel old. Dinner… Cleaning… and a 40? Sounds like heaven to me. Oh, and if you haven’t read the hunger games… I highly recommend it.
Rant over.
Swollen :’(
Deer in headlights.
